August 30th, 2018 by Zachary Shahan
This is part of our new “Morning Monkey Business” series. The first two articles in this series were “Tesla — Dead For 10 Years” and “THOUSANDS Of Cars Sitting On Lots Unsold!!“
It’s not going to be popular with some of you, but I have to say, I’ve never liked Twitter. I see the value in it. I see its pros. But I think it crunches too much information down into one-liners and often takes away from deeper exploration and reflection. Additionally, the constantly and quickly flowing stream of tweets makes every tweet fleeting, and a system with such an excessive and fast information flow inherently treats much of that information as useless.
Maybe it is useless, but the structure just makes it more useless. One of the results is that people throw around words with less concern and less thought than they would otherwise.
Sometimes one-liners are great. But when you think every one-liner is going to end up a fleeting joke beneath your breath, you’re probably not engaging in your best work.
Maybe I’d feel different about the platform if I had a million followers. Maybe I’d appreciate the little blue bird’s power for getting my message out. However, I think I’d still fall prey to the trap summarized above.
Anyway, getting to the title, what right do I have to provide billionaires some tips on using Twitter? Pretty much none. But I thought it could be fun anyway.
Ironically, I’m essentially using a Twitter approach to give Twitter “advice” — I’m dropping a bunch of one-liners that are mostly aimed at making you laugh. Enjoy (or not) and be sure to tweet your favorites! 😉
Tip #1 —If you start a tweet with, “I don’t always tweet, but when I do,” end that tweet with the coolest shit ever.
Tip #2 — Don’t tweet about crimes you did, might do, want to do, or even dreamt of doing.
Tip #3 — If you’re hallucinating, delete your Twitter app before it eats your fingers.
Tip #4 — Don’t tweet d**k pics.
Tip #5 — Don’t tweet that other people committed crimes.* (If you think they really did, your phone can also be used to type the digits 9-1-1. Seriously.)
Tip #6 — Don’t tweet that the president of the United States (the most recent legitimate one) “wiretapped” your phones just because you heard it from an Infowars fan. (This also applies to millionaires and bankrupt individuals who pretend to be billionaires.)
Tip #7 — Tweet smart stuff, not stupid stuff.
Tip #8 — Tweet about Boring stuff.
Tip #9 — If you can’t sleep because you drank 10 cups of coffee, tweet cat videos — NOTHING ELSE. (Or is that a Facebook tip?)
Tip #10 — Tweet jokes that Einstein would like, not jokes that Beavis & Butthead would like. (Unless they’re, like, really funny Beavis & Butthead jokes.)
Tip #11 — Don’t tweet “yo’ mama” jokes to Kristen Wiig. Actually, don’t tweet “yo’ mama” jokes to anyone.
Tip #12 — Stay away from cavers.
Tip #13 — Tweet about humanitarian and societal crises you are trying to help address.
Tip #14 — Tweet about the coolest cleantech stories on the planet.
Tip #15 — RT 15 stories a day from @CleanTechnica. (No pressure.)
Tip #16 — RT good policy ideas. (We need more involvement in democracy and that means more discussion about actual policy.)
Tip #17 — RT 15 stories a day from @CleanTechnica. (…)
Tip #18 — Don’t RT Seeking Alpha, CNBC, or Business Outsider.
Tip #19 — Tweet EV eye candy.
Tip #20 — Don’t tweet GIFs of young people twerking.
Tip #21 — RT the Dalai Lama once a month.
Tip #22 — RT Frederick Douglass if he ever tweets anything.
Tip #23 — Tweet ¯_(ツ)_/¯ if someone asks you if self-driving cars create crop circles while you’re sleeping.
Tip #24 — Don’t tweet that the country would be better off if you were in prison. (Doesn’t apply to fake billionaires who are fond of committing crimes.)
Top #25 — Don’t RT any of Hanna Montana’s Twitter pics, especially this one.
Top #26 — Tweet your mom “Happy mother’s day” at least once a month.
Top #27 — Don’t tweet the IRS asking if you have to include income from ETH & BTC when filing your taxes.
Top #28 — Tweet about global warming.
Top #29 — Tweet pics of your favorite Tesla vehicle + dogs doing funny things.
Top #30 — Be candid.
But don’t get too emotionally naked.
Unless that’s your thing.
Top #31 — Start a Twitter war with the biggest troll on Twitter. Come on, do it!**
Top #32 —Tweet cat videos. (Did I already write that? Is that still just for Facebook?)
Top #33 — Don’t feed the trolls your blood, sweat, & tears. For real.
*Unless that crime was treason or at least conspiring with the enemy.
**Perhaps not the best advice.
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